Zookeeper

6 July 2001 - ZOOKEEPER

I've got an exciting new job working in a zoo. It's a lot of fun, plus I get to ride the pandas after the zoo has closed.

However, there is a downside to my job, and that's when I have to enter the owl enclosure to feed them their onions. It's well known that owls love onions, but what is less well known is that owls won't eat the onions unless you force them down their beaks.

Suffice to say, I usually emerge from the cage covered in scratches, owl lime and burst retina.

9 July 2001 - ZOOKEEPER

I'm having a lot of trouble with the zoo's owls. You see, the head keeper has insisted I entertain the crowds by riding the owls around the zoo.

I explained that this was impossible, but he insisted that my predecessor managed it all the time. I don't know how: I've tried everything from riding on the owls' backs to strapping one to each foot, with a sort of leash attached to their necks.

However, on every occasion, both owls, and I, have been considerably harmed.

10 July 2001 - ZOOKEEPER

I'm still having a lot of trouble with the zoo's owls. My head keeper has insisted I keep the owls happy, as they've been a bit down ever since one of them twisted his head around so far that it twisted off completely.

I've tried everything, from rushing at the owls dressed as a bear, to rushing at the owls while banging a gong and blowing a kazoo.

But whatever I do, the owls just get scared, and fly away, or attempt to peck my eyes out. It's depressing.

11 July 2001 - ZOOKEEPER

I've had to leave my job at the zoo after one of the visitors told my boss that I tried to bite an owl.

Unfortunately, I failed to convince him to let me stay. I explained that I was merely helping the owl preen itself, and that I would've used my hands, but they were a bit dirty, but he wasn't having any of it.

My employer's immediate reaction was to fire me on the spot. Throwing a dead owl at me as I walked out of his office merely compounded the situation.

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