Misery And Greggs
1 DECEMBER 2015 - MISERY AND GREGGS
I've not been able to update my diary for a while, due to the fact I've been held hostage for much of this year by my biggest and most psychotic fan, Pocksy Rodgers.
Pocksy ambushed me in the parking lot of Greggs PLC, in Jesmond, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne (I've been spending a lot of time there recently, hoping to catch a glimpse of their CEO, Roger Whiteside, having become uncontrollably obsessed with him).
After bludgeoning me with a champagne cork on the end of a pencil, Pocksy dragged me back to her musty hovel, kept me tethered to a gurney in her "dry room", and forced me at cork-point to write new diaries purely for her own entertainment.
Honestly, it's been like something out of The Matrix Reloaded!
On the plus side, after several months, I eventually managed to murder her to death in the name of self defence, by shimmying my way off the gurney, and bunging up her left nostril with a scrunched-up packet of seeds, and her right nostril with a licked brazil nut. And her mouth with a punched yam. Ha ha.
I even managed to find time for a series of cool puns: "(Seed) packet in, Pocksy!"... "You're taking a brazil to the nostril!" (said in a Groucho Marx voice)... and "Yam momma's so fat she got a yam in her mouth!".
Anyway, now that I'm mostly fully over my experience, barring all the PTSD, I've got a new job running the Roger Whiteside fan club, of which I am both founder and only member.
2 DECEMBER 2015 - MISERY AND GREGGS
It's a busy time of year for the Roger Whiteside (CEO of Greggs) fan club, as we've just released our new range of Christmas merchandise.
As well as the usual t-shirts featuring some of Roger's most popular quotes ("The Perfect Sausage Roll is one that is thirty minutes fresh from the oven"... "Now it’s the hardest part of the plan from an operational point of view, which is to deliver all the system enhancements" etc.), we've a range of Roger Whiteside bobbleheads, a Roger Whiteside kettle, and a Roger Whiteside brown whistle, a Roger Whiteside white whistle, and a Roger Whiteside memorial plaque for when he dies (includes space to add your own estimated date of death for Roger).
We're also in the early stages of planning Whitesidefest 2016, to be held in a park next year - nine days of poetry and song in tribute to Roger Whiteside, as well as the premiere of my feature-length docudrama: "The Perfect Sausage Roll - Roger Whiteside: from Marks and Spencers to Greggs".
Appropriately, the part of Roger Whiteside will be played by Gregg Wallace from Masterchef.
3 DECEMBER 2015 - MISERY AND GREGGS
Unfortunately, the Roger Whiteside Fan Club has had to cease trading, following a letter we received from representatives of Roger Whiteside, threatening us with legal action.
Apparently, Roger Whiteside is now a trademark of Greggs PLC, in much the same way as Ronald McDonald, Colonel Saunders, Timmy Nando, and Cardew The Chicken Cottage Crow.
Greggs is planning to rebrand its stores around a stylised corporate mascot representation of the majestic Greggs CEO, and already, they've been rolling out multiple Rogers to greet customers as they enter the stores. The new corporate mascot version of Roger even has his own catchphrase, which he shouts at passing customers: "I'M LOVING IT!".
On paper, this appears to be the same slogan as the one used by McDonald's, but the way Roger says it is different (louder and more furious, through gritted teeth).