27 JULY 2015 - JAPAN
I've travelled to the distant and mysterious land of Tokyo to appear as a contestant on a Japanese game show. I honestly don't know what to expect – the only knowledge I have of Japan comes from an old tramp who lived in a bush outside my house when I was growing up, and who still thought he was fighting against the Axis forces in World War 2. When I tried to explain to hm that the war had ended decades before, he literally froze to death.
Unfortunately, shortly after my plane landed in Tokyo, the city was attacked by Waspra – a large, atomically mutated wasp, about the size of a cat. You might not think a cat-sized wasp is all that scary… and you'd be right – it was mostly just annoying, buzzing around, and banging against windows, and stinging.
However, it was considered sufficiently annoying that the city had to be evacuated, and the Japanese authorities unleashed Henry Dogvard – a forty-storey tall genetically mutated bard-cum-porpoise.
Despite his lack of fully functioning limbs, Dogvard did eventually bring down Waspra, but at the expense of 12 souls, $40 billion worth of property damage, and a squashed vole.
28 JULY 2015 - JAPAN
Today I began filming my appearance on Ill-Defined Second Hour, Japan's most popular TV game show.
For round one, I had to curl up into a perfect sphere, somehow fit inside the barrel of a gun, whereupon I would be repeatedly shot at the moon until I destroyed it. Fortunately, none of the contestants succeeded at even getting inside the gun, let alone destroy the moon, so we moved onto round two – in which we had to eat a pickled trombone. Somehow I managed this – at great personal expense – which led me onto the third round, in which I had to answer general knowledge trivia questions.
At least, I think that's what was going on – the host was holding some cards, and kept shouting at me, and when I failed to respond I was kicked by the producer, and led off the set.
29 JULY 2015 - JAPAN
Sadly, I've been deported from Japan. What I thought was the set of a Japanese game show was in fact an immigration office, and it would appear that I gravely misunderstood what was going on.