Dog Food Factory

4/9/95 - DOG FOOD FACTORY

I've been working on the nightshift in a dog food factory for the past few weeks. It isn't bad, but I've seen what they put in the food.

Any tin marked "Rabbit" will be full of bats and ants, whilst tins marked "Lamb" usually contain bits of wood, metal and cheese. There was an accident the other night and a load of underlay got dumped into one of the vats.

5/9/95 - DOG FOOD FACTORY

I've discovered more secrets of the dog food industry.

Would you believe that marrowbone jelly is actually what's left over after they trample on putrid roe?

And dog biscuits are actually made out of bakelite with sand to flavour it. It may look like dogs are enjoying themselves, but I can assure you they're actually screaming.

6/9/95 - DOG FOOD FACTORY

I've been asked to come up with a new kind of doggie treat. It isn't easy.

I submitted a list of ingredients, but my boss just crossed them out and scrawled "1lb old hives and 20oz caravan parts".

When I tried to protest, he hit the ground beside me with his steel claw. I'm considering getting another job.

7/9/95 - DOG FOOD FACTORY

Whilst cleaning the inside of the dog food-making machine, I got my sash caught in the blades. I was dragged through the bowels of the device and what I saw in there will haunt me for ever.

Suspended inside the giant central chamber was a huge silver ankh, gently spinning above the distorted image of a cretin. A rubber hose was strapped onto its face, pumping a viscous blue jelly into its mouth.

8/9/95 - DOG FOOD FACTORY

I've gone further into the maze of piping within the dog-food machine.

Down one funnel, I spied a shivering bum scraping turtle-fat off a rotor. When he saw me, he opened a shrivelled fist to reveal a tiny bracket set in a charcoal lozenge.

Later, making my way towards a duct, I was set upon by two jelly-men – one red, the other a sort of rust.

9/9/95 - DOG FOOD FACTORY

I finally found my way out of the dog-food making machine, but things aren't looking too good.

I streaked out of a safety valve right into the boss's wife. She was so upset that she fell against a lever and emptied an entire chamber of fish gobs all over the factory floor.

My boss was furious. He told me his wife was allergic to my type of skin.

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