26 January 1999 - ANIMAL ORCHESTRA
I've got a new job as the conductor of an animal orchestra. While this sounds as if it might be the ideal job for anyone, it is in fact a living nightmare.
As I have discovered, animals are neither intelligent enough to be in an orchestra, nor are they courteous enough to pay attention while I try to explain the subtleties of Brahms. At last night's rehearsal, two of the dogs had a fight, and the gazelle knocked a cello on to the mice cage. If music be the food of love, I hate these animals.
28 January 1999 - ANIMAL ORCHESTRA
I hired an animal trainer to see if he could get the members of my animal orchestra to behave. When he saw how I tried to force a clarinet into the goat's mouth, and how I'd Sellotaped a pair of drum sticks to a spider monkey's hands, he was appalled, and threatened to call the authorities.
At this point I realised there was only one way to prevent a hefty fine, and that was to kill the animal trainer. Luckily, he changed his mind and asked me to go to dinner with him. How could I refuse? I adore Chinese food!